I received the Qur’an after I had a conversation with the Creator. I asked Hū for the truth and a man who sold drugs, had dreads, a deep voice and was from up north. Hū delivered it. I did not realize it until months after I was given it. It was as if I had been in a daze before Allah allowed me to realize it. I remember being outside screaming to the sky, telling Allah how much I hated him. I didn’t want to believe there was a Creator; the very thought use to nauseate me. If you had witness the things I had growing up, you would know why I say I never looked forward to the next day. My tears were the only constant. I could depend on them. My childhood was so unstable. At any time I could or would be moved from home to home. Everyday I hope for death. As a child I never had the relationship with death as others did. My mother died when I was young and my father before her. Death amazed me more than anything, the thought that a person could leave all of their problems and possessions and move on was fascinating to me. The thought always seemed peaceful. I searched for this peace in alcohol and drugs. I remember my teenage years passing in a cloud of weed and a drunken haze. School and work was the only time I allowed myself to be sober. I didn’t care about tomorrow. The only thing that motivated me was knowing that I had to depend on me.
A couple weeks after having my conversation with The Creator, my older cousin moved out of my aunt’s house. My aunt asked me did I want to move out as well. She knew I could handle the responsibility because I worked two jobs, was in high school and I didn’t depend on or ask her for anything. She also charged me rent for living with her. Moreover, I spent most of my time alone but still I was scared to finalize it. Moving meant that the loneliness that I felt inside was permanent. I also feared that the silence would become to loud. Becoming an adult was something I had been waiting on since my mother died. It was a chance for freedom. It also meant that I would be as alone as I felt. I was always the black sheep of the family. I stick out now even more that I am muslim. But I digress.
The apartment that was originally chosen by my cousin flooded and she had to move across town into a different apartment. After moving there she came to my job and told me that she had met someone that she thought would be perfect for me. She told me the only problem was that he was short. The first thing I told her was I didn’t find short guys attractive. She knew this and we both laughed. I guess I should of knocked on wood because he eventually became my first husband.
Several weeks later I was at my cousin’s apartment and my cousin came in upset. I ask her what was wrong. She told me that she was upset at the upstair’s neighbors. Her neighbors were none other than my ex husband and several others. They used the apartment for a trap spot. They had multiple homes like this throughout Atlanta. Because of this I didn’t see him much but we did meet before that time. My cousin said she was upset because they wouldn’t take her to the store. Now if you see my cousin you would realize why that is a shock. Men do not simply tell her no. I asked her why did they do this. She said because she had alcohol and they told her it was forbidden. As soon as I heard her say this I ran upstairs and questioned them. I wanted to know what they believe. I ask them so many questions that I upset them. They didn’t like my interrogation. My nature has always been to question everything. I remember the youth pastor brought me books because i asked so many questions in Sunday school and bible study. It was this questioning that lead me away from Christianity. My ex-husband and his friends said that they could answer my questions but they would not tell me because I wasn’t ready for it. I never looked down a challenge so I told him to try me. He then passed me a Qur’an. The first verse I opened it to was.
Did He not find you an orphan and give [you] refuge? 93:6
Tears start streaming down my face uncontrollably. These words ripped through my heart. I couldn’t control my emotion so I left their house. It took me some time to open the Quran again and it was not until after I had a conversation with the Devil. I ask him to give me a night I would not forgot. I beg all those who read this. Never ask for that which you don’t want. I don’t regret what happened but it opened my eyes to the direction i didn’t want to take. Even in the midst of that experience Allah presented many signs that made me realize that I had to accept Islam. If not my future would have been bleaker than my past.
Lady Zay 